I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
