does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
