DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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