4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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