At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
