my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We named our party play list daddy issues
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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