Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
