Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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