But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
