The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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