i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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