when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
