Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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