Where are you?
In a non slutty way
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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