It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
