I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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