Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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