I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
