I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
