So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
