They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
