Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
