I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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