They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
