alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
