Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You made me cry and you don't even care
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
