Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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