I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
