You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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