So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
