I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
