yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
