you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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