I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
This house was built for laser tag.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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