wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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