Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
