I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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