We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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