dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
it's great music for shaving your balls
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
