; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
