2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
