so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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