your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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