i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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