I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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