Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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