How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
