so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
