The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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