we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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