If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
