I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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